Waking Up

After my loss, waking up was the worst.  I don’t mean that I didn’t want to ever wake up but the fact that every morning I went from having some peace while I slept to waking up and realizing that I didn’t have my baby was horrific.  It is like a wave of sadness that hit me every single time I opened my eyes.  I wanted so badly just to fall back to sleep but my mind had already started racing.  It was too late.   I remember that some friends from work had heard about my loss and sent me this beautiful flower arrangement that my husband had put in our room.  I am sure in his mind it was a way to help brighten up the room a little but I remember they just made me so angry.  I used to just open my eyes, not say a word, and stare at them. Looking back I am not sure why.  Maybe it was because I felt like they all knew what happened and I was going to have to go back to work and face them.  Everyone was going to ask me how I was doing and want to know what happened.  How do you even answer that question?  I would just stare at the flowers.  And then, like clockwork, my morning sickness would hit.  Yes, morning sickness after a loss.  One of the cruelest tricks your body can play on you.

After a few days, my morning sickness subsided.  My body finally knew it was over.  There was a sort of finality to it.  Of course, my pain continued but day by day, it was a little easier to wake up. A little less like ripping off a band-aid every single morning.  I still felt angry, I still dreaded going back to work, I still didn’t want to tell my story but I know now that different aspects of healing take different amounts of time.  You will not wake up one day and feel like everything is OK. It is slow.  It is gradual and many times you don’t even really feel it happening.  Until one day you can look back and you can say “remember when I felt angry”, “remember when I didn’t want to open my eyes.  Be good to yourself and allow yourself time to heal.

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